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It's a great time for zombie fans

Cue the song from R.E.M. - the band that just called it quits on account of the rising tide of zombies. The end of the world as we know it, is happening now. The Zombie Apocalypse is on CBS, NBC, ABC, FOX, BBC and even C-SPAN.

Greg Bauman, Blogger

October 30, 2011

11 Min Read

Long time lurker, first time poster here at Gamasutra.  It’s almost Halloween, and this topic gets covered a lot.  And, I’ve been told I have a talent for stating the obvious.  But, that’s not going to stop me.  Since I’ve got nothing to lose, I’m just going to go out there and say it.

The Zombie Apocalypse is upon us.

Yes, yes, I know you’re thinking I must be just plain stupid for saying it.  Or maybe that I watch Fox News.  Who knows – maybe you’re mean, and thinking both.  Well I don’t get cable here in the safe room.  I’ve got DirecTV and Internet though.  So, I’m not going to try to convince you the Zombie Apocalypse is happening.  I’m only going to present the facts – things that you can find anywhere on the internets. I back up my claims and expose the truth the government doesn’t want you to know.

Let’s take The Walking Dead for instance.  Do you dispute The Walking Dead will appear in double the number of encounters compared to last year?  I didn’t think so.  You think it’s a character drama.  It’s a reality series.  The good news is that real zombies actually are not quite as fast as non zombies.  The bad news is that they don't get tired.  Ever.  This comes from a Sheriff’s Deputy near Georgia named Rick Grimes, and I believe him.  I always thought the apocalypse would start somewhere lame, like Cleveland.  Atlanta wasn’t too far off the mark.

And, it’s clear now that zombies have thoroughly gutted our entire Armed Forces in the US of A.  Anyone who answered the Call of Duty and engaged in Black Ops was most certainly exposed to the so-called Rezurrection virus.  Even our boys on the moon are gone.  Ever notice how the scenery in Afghanistan looks remarkably similar to the moon?  Coincidence?  It wouldn’t be the first time the government hid something from us.  The truth is every continent is decaying – each one is a Dead Island

But someone knows something.  Brave souls pop up from time to time, trying to get the word out.  These past few weeks, the nice people on the tv keep telling me that Zombie Apocalypse is almost here on DVD and BluRay.  Apparently Ving Rhames is going to live through it.  Note to self: try to hang out more with Ving.  Cool dude, and clearly has someone on the inside.

But, as with any “news” program, there are always going to be conflicting reports.  Another show has a different Zombie Apocalypse as the main story with the oh-so-informative Never Die Alone ticker running underneath.  When will the mass media get the story right the first time?  I guess that's what happens when zombies start chomping on the cameraman.

Speaking of camera men, there’s some new photographer Frank West who’s making a name for himself.  He claims the Dead are Rising Too, but it’s purely Off-The-Record.  Then he goes all Geraldo, and claims he has proof.  Unfortunately, in the same photos this yahoo blew his own credibility by documenting himself roleplaying / dressing up in all manner of outfits & wearing women’s shoes, and generally acting like a clown at the circus.  Just when we need investigative journalism at the outset of what is supposed to be the Age of Zombies, we get someone grand-standing for his 15 minutes of fame.  Nobody believes those are real zombies now.  Way to go, Frank.

I bet a bunch of famous people will meet their end in a brand new taping of A Billion Ways to Die.  So who’s it going to be?  Well, we all know Chuck Norris will survive just because he wants to.  And probably Ted Nugent will make it, too.  Some might say Keith Richards, but everybody already thinks he’s a zombie, anyway, so he’s be toast.  Same with Bill Murray, because he’d probably act as a convincing zombie and get shot accidentally.  But the body count in World War Z will probably claim even somebody like the indomitable Brad Pitt.  He’s going down.  That means I still have a chance with Angelina!  Bummer, since she’ll be a zombie, if she isn’t already.  I heard Nick Nolte bit her, and they covered it up by “taking a trip to Africa.”

I tell you – I really do believe the time is now.  Let’s face it, all of mankind has an innate fear of being Left 4 Dead.  I bet you have a fear of being Left 4 Dead Too.  Even those folks on the History channel who live in the swamp.  They’d much rather be eaten by a gator than by their next-door neighbor Bubba.  But, when day breaks on the Dawn of the Dead, Bubba’s or maybe Jethro’s house is going to be a popular destination.  You gotta love rednecks.  Hummers and bags full of machine guns.  If you’re going to go to Zombieland, you’re going to want an E-ticket ride.

There are rumors on the internet that someone has learned how to defeat the Infected.  I thought it was going to be all out war – Humans vs Zombies and mobilized military. Apparently you have to use Plants vs Zombies or you’re doomed.  The only human said to have survived that whole episode disappeared afterward.  He popped up on radar 28 Days Later, but vanished and has not been seen since.  Fast forward more than 28 Months Later, and there’s still no sign of him.  But the media buries that whole story, ignoring it completely, while making light of the topic by pandering to the latest Facebook craze, Zombie Farm.  Ignorance is bliss, right?

We know the laughable, far off “pure fantasy” of a Zombie Pandemic would really become be a true Rise of Nightmares once realThere is no doubt we’ll need Zombie Gunships to fight back a Class 3, let alone a Class 4 outbreak.  The media will doubtless communicate the government’s plea to Please Stay Calm.  Interesting to hear that nugget of wisdom coming from the same elected officials who deny knowledge of Project Zomboid while they arrange Nixon-style burglaries to discredit the very team that was running it.  Don’t even get me started on Area51.  What’s more is Congress and the President don’t know about Division 9.  It was hiding in plain sight for pete’s sake!!! 

Google is in on the cover-up too.  “Don’t be evil” my post-apocalyptic butt.  They had a couple whistle-blowers who escaped the Undead Labs compound.  They say it’s in Seattle, but it’s right there in Mountain View, CA.  These two guys put together Streetview Zombie Apocalypse as living proof of zombies in YOUR neighborhood.  They were already infected, and were looking to make peace and get a little Red Dead Redemption, but as always it became an Undead Nightmare.  But you haven’t heard any more from those guys, have you?  In fact, I bet you hadn’t even heard of them before I told you.  But it’s on the internet, so it must be true!  Toshiba took it one step further – their marketing department actually put zombies on TV.  What started out as an expose using leaked footage of zombies up close titled the Ramifications of Yes, turned into a parody that made them money.  Smooth move Toshiba.  It worked so well, Microsoft/Bing got in on the action, and even made an internet search meme for How to Eat an Actor.  Way to make it mainstream, guys!  What’s next, a reality show called Zombies Ate My Neighbors!

We also have it on good authority that the only useful statement that will be made on TV, radio, Twitter, and Facebook might be Zombies Live, but more likely it’ll be Zombies!!! Run or All Zombies Must Die!!! Local authorities will be overwhelmed, and any armed citizens will certainly inflict Extended Overkill in this newly re-named Land of the Dead.  The government and the media will be in cahoots until the end – it’ll be a song and dance.  Once it starts, reality and fantasy will collide like a Lollipop and a Chainsaw.

It’s all around you.  The CDC tried to tell you.  They did that so you can’t sue them later.  They used code words, like “If there were a zombie apocalypse, it would be good to be prepared – like for a hurricane.”  They left out the part about stockpiling ammunition, building a safe room, and the hurricanes biting your face off and turning you into one of them.  Jeez, even porn companies have been caught with their pants down – they’re building bunkers!  You know, the people who are so obsessed about doing the nasty not even Bikini Zombie Slayers, Strippers vs Zombies or Zombies Zombies Zombies can tear them away from their favorite activity?  They actually bought stock in the construction company who makes the Zombie Proof House.  They’re gonna be boinkin’ while the rest of humanity is totally screwed.

Accusations that Obama’s followers are zombies have been made, repeatedly.  Obama himself has been portrayed as a zombie.  But, according to my sources, his birth place will be the least of our problems, real soon.  Aside from the typical brainlessness we all have seen in government, it’s going to get much worse.  Capitol Hill will become a Silent Hill, and the House of Representatives will be nothing more than a House of the Dead.  And zombies pervade Washington in more ways than one.  Tomb of the Unknown Soldier my arse.  But the Zombie Epidemic knows no bounds, and is no respecter of persons.

Yes, that’s from the Bible, and you guessed right.  Even Jesus himself has been postulated as the first real zombie.  He died.  Rose from the dead three days later, and had the wounds to prove it.  Sound familiar?  The Zombie Infection has been quietly claiming (and reclaiming) lives for thousands of years.  So, the on-going debate is finally laid to rest for all time – real zombies are officially S-L-O-W.  You hear that?  S—L—O—W.  Still, if you just count the only worldwide documented re-animation event two thousand years ago, it’s still Zombies One : Survivors Zero.  They’re winning, and the numbers of zombies is climbing.  The scenario that has always been thought of as a single rogue zombie spreading the infection through the Zombie Trailer Park to small group which then grows into a Dead Horde is a myth.  The terrifying truth is that Main Street has been lurching toward Zombie Lane for a long time already, and it’s about to explode onto the world scene.  An entire Dead State is imminent, and a Nation Red with blood is not far off.

The undead are nothing to trifle with.  There are too many different kinds of Zombies!!! to categorize them all, but most of them are just plain dumb.  You should be ok, unless they’re hungry and all riled up, and you get Dead Blocked, like in a mall, or a hospital.  Then you’re basically Trapped Dead.  Right then, you and your group will all have the same Revelations – PETA was right, Flesh is for Zombies.  You may as well go on a Suicide Blitz, because your tickets will have been punched, and you’re now stuck with just the Stubbs, as the Zombies you never wanted to be.  The fun part of your life’s journey will be over – the rest of it will just be Dead Space.  The next thing you do will be bumming a ride from your friendly neighborhood Zombie Driver heading down the Zombie Highway closing in on Raccoon City.  Your next stop will be The Killing Floor, where all the Residents are Evil or Mercenaries.  But mostly they’re just Evil Dead.  Which is convenient, since you’re boned and already one of them.

So, if you think the Zombie Apocalypse isn’t real, that it’s some sort of game, or maybe a movie, let me tell you it’s not.  I wouldn’t be blogging about something so silly.  This is a matter of life and undeath.  It’s not like I just asked myself a question one day – gee, today I have to decide between writing about Space Pirates and Zombies.  That’s easy – there are no Space Pirates!  So, either head over to my site and get yourself educated on the ways of the Undead, or keep your head in the proverbial sand.  Either way, you’re helping me out.  If you don’t believe me, at worst you’ll make for a nice distraction for your neighbors Gary Goreman and Ima Walker when they come shambling into your kitchen for a late nite snack.  Me, I’ll be kicking up my boots sitting in my easy chair, relaxing in my Texas sized safe room.

The Zombies, They’re Coming!

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